I’ve been hibernating away, retreating to the depths of my duvet for a while. Call it premature maternity leave, call it coping with transition, or recovery from the nightly torture of sleep deprivation that Elijah has been administering. It’s been a rough couple of months for Jayber and I as these huge waves of exhaustion and emotion keep crashing into us, knocking us off our feet. Sometimes we pull each other onto the life raft, other times it’s every man for himself – it’s hard to find grace for others when you’re drowning.
And then there’s this new wee mullan I’m cooking up. 13 weeks. Seems only Irish soil is good enough for wee Mullans. I had so many plans this last year of when this new baby might be born, in Canada for one thing with my lovely obstetrician and Mary for my Doulha. Then maybe before xmas, while JM is still studying and his hours are flexible. Or spring, I like having babies in spring. And each time a dissapointment, a grieving, a letting go. ‘Thy will be done’ through gritted teeth and clenched fists. Slowly the hands unfurl and lie open and I remember how small my grand schemes are and how little I really see of my own life or understand what I need.
Goodness, coming over all ‘espero’ there. Anyway, I think we are starting to feel a little more able to cope and I’ve missed posting and being part of this weird, warm invisible community and the chance to reflect and be thankful. I’d like to try and make it to 365 – even if it’s sporadic and takes me a few years.
So to begin, a belated piece of thankfulness for the refund of our Zoom money, a minor miracle.
