daily bread

This blog is beginning to feel a little like a Vancouver weather report. Apparently my mood and the weather are inextricably linked. Mercifully for all those who have to live with me, the sun returned again and lured me outside onto my easy chair with some knitting.

Here’s my confession, my own wee cheesy secret….when the sun shines and I feel that prickle of warmth on my cheeks, it reminds me that I am loved. That Abba’s face shines upon me and says “This is my daughter, with whom I am well pleased”, and the heat trickles deep inside and warms up my heart.

Cheesy, maybe. Sentimental, possibly. But that is my truth.

Seems like this time here has a had a theme of learning to be gentle and kind to myself, something I am pretty shitty at. By nature I am my own worst critic and constantly crack a whip on my own scarred little back. I need permission to be kind to myself and luckily I have a few people in my life who give me that permission slip and insist I take care of myself. Today that meant making the hard choice of dropping my wonderful sermon on the Mount class. It was either that or the drawing class and I can get Sermon on the Mount on audio. Yep, I know it’s confusing – looks like I’m cutting the good stuff out of my life. But really the dashing about and tag parenting were draining me of life. In place of the class I get to go take a bath for 3 hours, or knit or journal or go for a bike ride. I’m learning to make the Big Girl decisions that invest in me and my sanity and fill me up so my wee family get a sane and settled Debsy.

As ever, Tuesdays bring the wisdom of Mary into my life. For one brief hour I get soaked in truth and goodness and I can smell the grace of God. Sometimes it takes someone else to tell you how they see God working in your life, to give you the hope that helps you persevere. I was reminded today that God always moves first toward us. We simply have to stay where we are and let ourselves be engulfed by his love.

Big grumpy head today. Soaked up what is reported to be the last of the sun for a while.

Getting really dressed up to watch the Oscars, even though we weren’t leaving our living room.

Much fun andjust about justifies having shipped the Little Back Dress over here 2 yrs ago.

Oh, and I got to wear the shrug with it into the bargain.

We seem to be having some kind of premature heatwave here – I think I may have got a little sunburnt today. Spent the afternoon sitting outside in the easy chairs, chatting and knitting with the neighbours, watching the kids have a mini water fight. Not a coat and scarf in sight. Bliss.

I am pleased to announce that the blessed shrug is finally finished, sown up and ready to wear. I may have taken my pledge, to keep my next project small, a little too far……

Crossing the beautiful Lion’s Gate bridge to the North shore. Sun twinkling off the water below, kids happy in the back and the prospect of making purchases for a new knitting project at a favourite shopping place.

Also, the blessed shrug (basically the same pattern repeated to a length of 1.2m) is almost done.  No more big projects for me. From now on they shall be small and beautiful.

The feeling of sunshine on my face.

Realising that the bike our friends left behind with us months ago is my size and zipping around campus on it, wind in my hair glimpses of the mountains everywhere. Thank you God for endorphins. They saved my sanity today.

Today has been a day of sorrow. One of those days when brokenness interrupts and invades the ordinary. A loved one, a dear friend and a long-lost friend all wrestling with different flavours of our fallen world.

My heart is heavy. It groans with feeling the weight of pain and of knowing this is not how it is supposed to be.

But I am thankful. Thankful that the only reason I can bear to enter their sorrow is because I have a hope that is not in this world. A spark of faith that remembers that time cannot contain the resurrection all those years ago or the promised new heaven and new earth to come. They speak forward and backward into the present and they offer comfort and strength and hope.

Its been a tough few days. I’m exhausted in every way and struggling not to descend into grumpiness and competitive suffering.

So to meet with the lovely Mary, who gave helpful perspective to a difficult encounter with someone, was wonderful. She  really hears me and just lets me download and question and wrestle without asking me to be anything or do anything. A window of sanity and tenderness in my day.